The best way to apologize
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Over the years, people have come up with some truly awful apologies. From classic non-apologies, to evasive excuses, and flimsy corporate promises, itâs all too easy to give a bad apology. But researchers have found that good appologies generally share certain elements, and thoughtfully considering these factors can help you make amends in a wide variety of situations. Since public apologies have their own unique complications, we are going to focus on some person-to-person examples. So, picture this, your new office has free ice cream sanwiches in the communal fridge or at least thatâs what I thought. But on Friday, when youâre helping your co-worker Terrence set up another colleagueâs birthday party, he finds that half the ice cream he bought for the celebration is gone.
While this is obviously an embarrassing accident, coming forward and apologizing is still the right thing to do. Understanding and accepting responsibility for your actions is what some researchers call the centerpiece of an apology. But itâs ok if this feels difficult and vulnerable. Itâs supposed to be. The costly nature of apologies is part of what makes them meaningful. So while you might be tempted to defend your actions as accidental, itâs important to remember that a good apology isnât about making you feel better. Itâs about seeking to understand the perspective of the wronged party and repair the damage to your relationship.
This means that while clarifying your intentions non-defensively can be helpful, your mistake being an accident shouldnât absolve you from offering a sincere apology. But what if your mistake wasnât an accident? Consider this, you promised your friend Marie that youâll attend her championship football match. But another friend just called to offer you an extra ticket for your favorite musicianâs farewell tour. You know this is a once-in-a-lifetime chance, and you canât pass it up. Plus, you figure Marie wouldnât mind if you miss the game. She always has plenty of fans supporting her. But the next day, Marie tells you she was really hurt when she didnât see you in the crowd. You feel terrible for upsetting her and genuinely want to apologize. But while you regret hurting Marie, you are not actually sure if you make the wrong choice.
So how can you reach beyond that terrible non-apology, Iâm sorry you feel this way. In situations like this, it can be easy to focus on rationalizing your actions when you should be working to understand the other personâs perspective. Consider asking Marie how you made them feel to better understand your offense. In this case, Marie might explain that she was disappointed you broke your promise, and she was really counting on your support. This kind of clarity can help you recognize your wrongdoing and honestly accept how your action caused harm. Then you can frame your apology around addressing her concerns, perhaps by admiting that it was wrong of you to break your promise, and youâre sorry you werenât there for her.
Clearly acknowledging wrongdoing indicates that you know exactly how you messed up, and it can give Marie faith that youâll behave differently moving forward. But itâs always helpful to indicate exactly how youâll change and what youâll do to repair the damage caused by your offense. Researchers call this the offer of repair, and itâs often rated as one of the most critical path of an apology. In some cases, these gestures are straightforward like offering to replace the ice cream you ate. However, with less tangable transgressions, this might need to be more symbolic, like expressing your love and respect for someone you wronged.
One common offer of repair is a verbal commitment not to make the same mistake again, but promising to do better only works if you actually do better. Taking the victimâs perpective, accepting responsibility and making concrete offers of repair are just a few of the elements of a good apology. But remember, apologies arenât about getting forgiveness and moving on. They are about expressing remorse and accepting accountability. And the best apologies are just the first step on the road to reconciliation.