Great listeners
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A: What can I do to become a better listener?
B: At its core, listening in a one-on-one conversation is about taking an interest in another person and making you feel understood. Thereâs no universally agreed-upon definition of high-quality listening, but some recurring features include attentiveness, conveying understanding, and showing a positive intention toward the speaker
A: Can I just smile and nod at set intervals?
B: No. You shouldnât go through the motions because they donât quite work. However, there is something slightly performative about listening in that itâs important to show youâre doing it
A: What is that?
B: In addition to actively attending to a speakerâs words, good listeners also use questions and body language which indicate theyâre understanding and their desire to understand.
A: That feels awkward
B: Yes, and its effectiveness might depend on your relationship with the speaker. But with time and practice, you can internalize these basic behaviors
A: Are there any tips?
B: Yes. First, before even starting your conversation, remove any distractions in the environment. Turn off the TV, take off your headphones, and put your phone away, far away. The visible presence of a phone makes the conversation feel less intimate and fulfilling to those involved. Once the conversation begins, one of the most important things you can do is also the most obvious, try not to interrupt
A: That means I need to stay completely silent, right?
B: No. If you do interject, look for natural pauses to ask open-ended questions that benefit the speaker not just your curiosity. These questions confirm youâre following the story while also helping the speaker dive deeper into their own thoughts. Another great way to show youâre understanding is by summarizing what you just heard and asking if you missed anything
A: How can it help?
B: Summaries like these show the speaker that youâre truly trying to understand them rather than just waiting for your turn to talk
A: What if I miss what the speaker just said?
B: If you lose focus, donât be shy about asking the speaker to repeat what you missed. This might feel embarrassing, but asking for clarification actually shows that youâre committed to understanding
A: When I have to respond, can I pause a bit to formulate my response?
B: Yes, you can. Donât be afraid of silence. Itâs ok to ask for a moment to formulate your response, and taking a beat to think can help the speaker reflect on their speech as well. These might seem like small changes, but together they make a big difference
A: Really?
B: Yes. When people feel heard, they report more satisfaction, trust, and connection in their relationships. In the workplace, employees who feel heard generally experience less burnout and perceive the managers who listen to them more favorably
A: But when I disagree with or dislike the speak, itâs hard to muster all this focus and attention
B: Thatâs even better because these situations might actually benefit most from your effort to listen openly. Good listening is not the same as agreeing. The conversations donât have to end with a happy resolution, but even during a disagreement, sometimes being heard is enough to start a deeper conversation